In 2024, ghosting is less of a dating trend and more of a universal experience. Here are the new rules of ghosting.
In 2024, ghosting is less of a niche dating phenomenon and more of a universal experience—everyone ghosts, and everyone gets ghosted.
We ghost friends we don’t have much in common with anymore instead of coming up with another excuse for bailing on brunch plans. We ghost our nail techs and hair stylists when we’ve met someone new or want to date around without sending a full-blown break-up text. “I ghosted my colorist because she was always lecturing me on ‘how to keep a man’ or pushing her anti-vaxx views—I still receive occasional Facebook messages from her two years later,” a friend recently told me.
At some point, we started ghosting interviews, recruiters—and even our actual jobs—just to skip the awkward quitting convo with our boss. For most of us, though, ghosting in our professional lives probably looks more like ignoring an email we don’t want to deal with in the hopes it goes away. “Wow, I feel so much better. I just un-ghosted a bunch of clients,” said another friend to me last week.
Of course, there's still textbook ghosting—that is, ending a relationship by ceasing communication without explanation—and other times, we might accidentally “ghost,” leaving our friends on read without intending to actually disappear forever. There’s even the more subtle "soft ghosting" play where singles end a relationship by gradually reducing communication rather than completely cutting off contact (e.g., reacting to a text with just a thumbs up).
Ghosting is simply our new default operating system for dealing with icky confrontation, and while it’s clearly here to stay, we’re all still figuring out the rules of ghosting without a guilty conscience. Here’s what therapists and etiquette experts have to say.
Why We Can’t Stop Leaving Everyone On Read
Ghosting has become the new cultural norm, says therapist Jeff Guenther, LPC. “We’re glued to our phones, swiping from one thing to the next to the next to the next—and we’re sort of doing the same with relationships, whether it’s romantic or friendly or professional,” he tells InStyle. “It feels like it’s just being built into the way we operate with our technology, with ourselves, and with people around us.”
Admittedly, ghosting falls into an ethical gray area, but it’s the easy way out and—most notably—provides a ton of psychological short-term benefits, like being able to avoid the cringe factor that comes with conflict, Guenther says. After all, if we never confront the emotional experience of the other person with whom we’re cutting things off, we can also bypass tricky emotions like vulnerability and empathy. (We also never have to work on our communication skills.) “There's sort of a self-centeredness about it all that’s becoming more prevalent,” Guenther says.
We all know being on the other side of that avoidance can suck. Psychologists actually consider ghosting “a type of ostracism that threatens a person’s basic psychological needs for belonging, self-esteem, meaningful existence, and control.” But being the ghost-er has a negative impact on well-being, too. A review published last year found that ghosting a friend increased depressive tendencies over time and can be considered a “self-destructive behavior.” Or as one Reddit user relatedly summed it up: “I ghost everyone I know whenever I get stressed and feel like everyone hates me, and I’m doing them a favor for not annoying them with my presence.”
In other words, sometimes ghosting isn’t malicious but a sign we’re struggling with our own stuff. “While it might seem like an easy way to avoid uncomfortable conversations, ghosting often reflects deeper struggles with setting boundaries, being assertive, and managing exhaustion,” adds psychologist Cynthia Edwards-Hawver, Psy.D. For example, if you’re uncomfortable saying “no,” it might be easier to avoid the conversation altogether, she says. And if you feel like your social and professional commitments are unmanageable (maybe you agreed to back-to-back dinner plans during a busy work week that you now regret), ghosting could be a coping mechanism.
“Rather than having clear boundaries, you may withdraw completely, hoping to regain control,” Edwards-Hawver says. Or maybe you’re ghosting everyone because you’re simply too tired, and it’s hard to find the energy to engage.
Of course, we don’t always ghost on purpose. There are over 40 million posts on TikTok about the “accidental ghost” scenario where you plan to respond to a text… and then just forget. It’s not hard to see why we’re all falling victim to this: “It’s hard to keep track of every single f*cking notification on our phone—some are gonna slip through the cracks,” Guenther says.
At the end of the day, deciding whether ghosting is selfish or self-care really comes down to your motivation, Edwards-Hawver says. But if you’re ghosting purely to sidestep discomfort or awkwardness? You already know the answer to that one.
The New Rules of Ghosting
Ghosting is more prevalent than ever, but we’re still figuring out the shared etiquette around it. “We don’t know exactly when it’s appropriate to ghost and when it’s not,” Guenther says. Experts generally agree on a few guiding principles, though: First, Ghosting can be acceptable if the “relationship feels unsafe, toxic, or excessively draining,” says etiquette expert Lisa Mirza Grotts.
Second, accidental ghosting is inevitable, and we shouldn’t feel that bad about it. “There are times in all our lives when we simply forget to reply—or don’t have the capacity to reply,” says etiquette expert Jo Hayes. If we’re on the other end of this, we simply need to “offer grace, believe the best, and if necessary, send another non-pushy follow-up,” she adds. (And, of course, depending on your job or how public of a figure you are, it might even be physically impossible to reply to every message. With a million followers on Instagram, Guenther is ghosting “99%” of people who slide into his DMs.)
Especially if you don’t have an existing relationship with the person on the other end—think: a random LinkedIn DM—it’s acceptable to ghost, says Hayes. After all, “we all have limited time and limited relational resources.” Not responding to everything is the price we have to pay to honor the existing relationships in our lives, she says.
Third, ghosting can be a genuine form of self-care when we’re stressed, Guenther says. Maybe that time’s even right now, the week before a historic election. Of course, avoidance isn’t the only answer. Edwards-Hawver suggests simply telling people in your life that you’re overwhelmed or having a busy season, but you will be back in touch when you have more time. You can even set an auto-reply when your inbox turns into a dumpster fire. “In an age of constant communication—through texts, social media, emails, and more—it’s true that we sometimes need to protect our boundaries,” says Grotts.
While it might seem counterintuitive, you could even consider establishing a Ghost and Let Ghost policy with your family and friends, Guenther says. “As long as you all understand that sometimes you're gonna ghost, sometimes you're not gonna give a reason, sometimes you're not gonna show up… and that you all get to do that and you won’t take it personally, then cool,” he says.
However, you won’t get many etiquette hall passes. In the cases of close personal relationships, it’s important to buck up, be honest, and make it nice, even if we really just want to ghost. Grotts suggests a direct but kind approach with a face-to-face conversation—or at least, a sincere phone call. If the IRL breakup feels like too much, even a brief but genuine message acknowledging the need for distance will do, says Joseph Cavins, a licensed marriage and family therapist.
“For instance, saying ‘I really appreciate our time together, but I need to step away to focus on other areas of my life right now,’ respects the relationship without leaving the other person with unanswered questions,” he says.
As for other relationships, like your hairstylist, sending a brief, polite message that you’re trying something new is usually sufficient and appreciated, Grotts says. (In the case of a toxic hairstylist, you can probably just ghost—but be aware that they may not get the hint.) And as for ghosting a therapist, well, all therapists interviewed for this story agree this kind of relationship merits a conversation letting them know that things aren’t meshing.
“Ultimately, I think what we’re seeing with ghosting etiquette is a need for balance between boundary-setting and kindness,” Cavins says. At the end of the day, whether you’re considering a full-on vanishing act or just leaving a few messages on read, finding that balance will ensure your ghosting doesn’t come back to haunt you.